So last night I was really depressed. I had one of those moments when you stand back and take a long hard look at your life, and everything that you don't like about comes crashing at you at once, which makes you start thinking if things will ever get better or change.
I suppose it's just a build up of things that have been happening lately. Really small silly things, that always seem to take a larger affect on me.
Our "friends", that we were going to be getting a house with in a couple months time, sent me an email about 2 weeks ago, saying 'we got evicted.. going into crisis housing.. we're still totally up for getting a place with you guys... we'll try and contact you soon...' (in a nutshell).
Well, the weeks went by and Daniel and started freaking out because they hadn't called us and we only have a matter of weeks before our lease is up here, so we really needed to have started looking and applying by now (especially considering that we are only 18 and 20 and NOBODY likes renting to teens.. it took us my whole pregnancy and about 12 rejections before we got this place, which was merely because our real estate agent/landlord are Asian and nobody else would want this dump that we're in).
Both their phone numbers were cut off because "their baby recked their phones" and we desperately needed to get in contact so we knew what the hell was going on and to let them know we were gonna start looking now.
So after many hours of asking various people if they knew where the hell they were, I finally found a girl who knew someone that might have their phone number and luckily they did.
So Daniel called them last night and the girl answers with some lame excuse why they haven't called us (calling takes 2 fucking minutes!!). Daniel then says we're gonna start looking and applying for houses now, and she awkwardly lets him know that they actually don't need to get a house with us anymore because Harrison's Community Services found them a house last week and they've decided to move to SYDNEY in a few weeks time anyway!
YEAH.. Great.. Thanks for letting us know!
So then I started freaking out because I don't want to live in another crappy studio again and that's all we can afford by ourselves. I was so looking forward to living with another couple. I wouldn't be so lonely during the day, and we would end up saving shitloads of money.
Then I started thinking about every other crappy thing that every other friend I've ever had has done to me.. and the list just went on and on.
I got depressed because, though these days I've only got the one friend (who has been my best friend for the past 4 years), I still don't get treated with the kindness or respect that I treat her with.
Little things that I do for her (such as making her a handmade card to give to her in hospital, spending 50 dollars on presents for her and her bub when that was the only money we had left and we would be doing it tough for the next week, or making her feel better about that low-life horrible partner she's got and telling her what she wants to hear, and even just calling her every few days to see how she is) makes me realize that she would never do the same back for me.
She wasn't even there after I gave birth to Ascari. She wasn't there all through my pregnancy. She never calls just to see how I am. Every time I try and talk about myself or my family, I get cut off. And even now, after he has fathered my child and done everything to show that he is such a wonderful dad and provider, she still says nasty things about Daniel and tells me I should "cheat on him so he realizes you're too good for him".
And when I think about the things that she would never do for me, it gets me to thinking that my whole has been like that. I have never had a proper true friend. It's always been one-sided.
And then when I thought about that, it got me realizing that I probably never will.
I cried for hours in bed.
Daniel kept falling asleep which made me cry more.
Just had to get it all off my chest.